they decided-- whoever they are-- that i could use a journey from the infirmary, but i don't think they were ready to just turn me loose with the normals (sic). so i guess they compromised on the kitchen. i don't think i have ever been happier to see anything in my life than i am to be seeing absolutely anything that isn't the infirmary. but, i don't know, i think i'd like this kitchen, regardless. i'm sitting in a bright window drinking coffee and writing to you and i'm so filled with this, like whatever the opposite of claustrophobia would be called-- expansive joy, maybe.
last night they let me sit by an open window for a little while, in the hall near the infirmary. the cicadas were singing, and i thought to myself that i haven't heard them sing quite like that since seven years ago. they run in seven year cycles, don't they? i used to sit on the porch and think, listening to them drone. it made me homesick.
there's a lot on my mind today. i'm wondering what happens next. i'm wondering what's going on with you. i'm wondering how i should interpret this break from reality-- like was it really just sleeplessness, or is it this place, or just my inability to live without you?
the way my mind works, when i have things i don't know and i'm spinning in a searching loop like a computer, i tend to fixate on something that isn't really important, just engrossing. when i was in college (and this isn't the same thing exactly because no searching loop) i would always read a novel during finals week. something to give my brain a rest, you see? and during all this weird sex with arcane gods, and whatever, i've been thinking about your ring.
i'm of two minds.
- horse shoe diamond pinky ring-- kind of old school western gambler. like hey, you know it's the ring i gave ya, it doesn't have be the whole institutional thing.
- what would you love-- something that would make you stop and stare at it, the way moonstruck girls do their big flashy rocks?
does it make any sense to be thinking of this?
no. but, seriously, it's effectively distracting.
clementine
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