THAT 

is a ROLE MODEL 

&

what an AWESOME thing to do

I saw an interesting talk

a therapist 

who had been a MOONIE

& specializes in CULT

thinking & psychology 

I am ALWAYS surprised 

when people 

who like you

are

the kind of people who 

it bothered me

some of the comments 

& it ties in to SEVERAL things 

I'm EXPLORING 

I'm DEEPLY disturbed 

by my emotions 

towards my

MOM 

AND

she also has that GRIEVANCE thing

in common with the CULT

& EVOLUTIONARILY 

humans are

PREDISPOSED to OTHERing

I GUESS 

I WANT to WRITE something 

& I'm TRYING to 

SEE

HOW the dots 

connect

I'm CONFUSED 

generally

I don't think I've got myself 

SORTED

ALSO 

that picture of me 

was SUPPOSED to be a good picture 

BUT sometimes 

I'm not the best judge

of what 

constitutes

a "good" picture of me

I THOUGHT about it 

MAYBE 

I should explain 

WHY I like it

Ive been seeing pictures from a few years back

and they look younger 

I GUESS 

BUT 

I LIKE the way I look NOW better 

AND

I've been specifically 

NOURISHING

myself for a WHILE now

&

I feel like I'm starting to SEE THAT 

I NEED to get the 

MOVEMENT 

PIECE

BUT 

I am giving SO much resistance to everything 

and my FASCIA 

are at it AGAIN, I guess 

when I look at pictures of myself 

because they

POP up, ya know

they DO seem

YOUNGER 

BUT 

they don't 

LOOK LIKE 

me

I have grown 

accustomed 

to my face

it seems 

ANIMATED 

by a calmer, wiser spirit 

AND 

whether that's 

TRUE 

or not

I LIKE the idea of that

I hope you're having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 👾 🫚 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

THERAPY was SOMEWHAT 

UNSATISFYING 

I felt like

we

were out of SYNC

he wasn't really getting what

I felt like I was

STRUGGLING 

to CONVEY

I FELT again 

like he was

MAYBE 

trying to 

WORK me

BUT 

it was VAGUE and 

immediately

 

followed up

with the intuition that he's NOT doing THAT 

like at ALL 

AND

a judgement 

that he REALLY ought

AND

a self admonition 

YOU don't 

REALLY understand WHAT therapy does

which is STRANGE 

if you THINK about it 

since you have a psychology degree

YOU 

don't KNOW 

WHAT he OUGHT 

he talked all ABOUT his 

BEACH house

which is on 30A

he's got a BUTTON 

he pushes it

it lowers

the hurricane doors

which is COOL and 

FANCY 

ALSO

I keep getting this BAD feeling 

about his HEALTH 

AND

I sorta think it's a process

& like with PRETTY much EVERYTHING 

it's MORE ABOUT

putting in the 

ENERGY 

& FOCUS 

he's not a magic man who'll "fix" me, ya know 

BUT 

he said SOMETHING 

& I like said my understanding back

to make sure I understood 

BUT 

THEN it STILL 

SEEMED 

like I DIDN'T 

and that was very hard for me

I'm not sure 

WHY 

so "they" say

this is going to be

like a peak allergy year

the yellow green pollen dust

is pretty thick

so

I guess that tracks

but

I don't think I'm having

a peak allergy response

so I am counting myself lucky

the weather is beautiful

I love spring

it doesn't last long here

it tends to get hot by April

but sometimes

we get into May before it's really uncomfortable

& I think the fact

that my meno temp regulation issues

skew cold

has really helped with the heat excess

which we for sure had last year

I decided that

NASI LEMAK I think it's called

that Malaysian thing I've been getting

I decided it's a favorite food

so I ordered a cookbook

which was called coconut & sambal

which is the condiment

it had good reviews

it turned out to be an Indonesian cookbook

so it's not right

similar but all

Cinnamon and clove

SO I felt really silly for not verifying

but I didn't really realize

well I don't know much

about Malaysia

or Indonesia

not actually

I've got some info on some of the islands

but really nothing generally

I don't think that's

like uncommon

but

probably should learn more

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

and the jungle breathed

dear rodrigo,

last night i got to be in the jungle.

marta gave me something to drink that tasted kinda gross--  i don't really know what it was, which is weird for me--  but i trust her.

there were these brown and purple orchids that seemed like they were bobbing up and down, dancing almost.  suddenly i got the distinct impression that they were an alien life form, not flowers at all, and then they started making this barking kind of noise.  it reminded me of the flowers in alice in wonderland and i expected someone to demand who are you?  but no one did.  then, in my mind's eye, the mushrooms from fantasia whirled by;  slightly altered, now red and turquoise white spotted caps, devoid of asian features, but still to tchaikovsky's chinese dance which swirled backward in time to become a frenetic tweaked version of the coffee dance.  my cheek bones felt like they were cutting through my face, did that mean i was smiling?  then the music stopped and, even though this doesn't make sense, in the place the music had occupied, was frida kahlo.

tell me, she demanded, sounding vaguely like freud somehow, what was your vision when you smoked salvia?

it was like i fell into a well of darkness, the absence of everything good.  there were images and connections like a film from clockwork orange, but it was all too fast for me to see.  then i was spit out the other end of the well, and i was at a bus stop.  like one of those desolate desert diner ones from old movies.  i'm standing there by a billboard alone, alone in the world with my clunky hard sided sampsonite o.d. green suitcase.

and what did you think that vision was telling you?

mostly, i thought it was telling me not to smoke salvia.

i think it was telling you something else.

what?  what do you think it was telling me?

i think it was telling you:  get on the bus.

but, ya know, i'm wishing the universe could have chosen someone other than frida kahlo to tell me that.

love,
clementine