the infirmary

dear rodrigo,

i can't really remember everything that happened.

i guess i passed out.  when i woke up i was in the infirmary.  i think i've been here a while.

now things seem pretty normal, quiet--  i think i'm the only one here now.  but it didn't start out that way.  when i first woke up, the whole place was hazy, like i couldn't really see what was going on, but there seemed to be movement, everywhere.  it seemed jungle-y.  i'm sure that sounds crazy, but there were vines;  i was being held to the bed with vines.  sometimes they were so tight they cut into my skin and hurt.  sometimes they would shift around and press against my groin in a way that made me think the jungle was fucking me.  it was, i'm not sure what it was.  i was aroused, but there was this rape-y quality that made me cry.

the floor seemed dangerous.  the jaguar things roamed there.  the ceiling, the feathered serpent.  maybe something was going to eat me.  maybe i was a sacrifice.

i dreamed.  i dreamed that you and pasha were lovers.  you were both in this big square bed, just sort of lounging.  i sat on the edge of the bed.  i leaned down and started licking her foot.  then it seemed like everything was tongues.  we were all licking each other, not even gently, or particularly sexy, but big long tongue licks like a kid with an ice cream cone.  and then.  then we stacked up.  pasha was on the bottom, i was on top of her, and you became a phallic embodiment.  maybe you were fucking her at first, but everything was touching me and bumping me and i was touching her, and the waves were rolling in through all of us i think.  but then.  then, you were definitely inside me, and i was pushing back against you and it was almost violent.  i wanted you to split me in two, or fill me with seed, possess me totally in a way that would make everything else go away.  i wanted to belong to you, somehow, to carry your child.  they weren't rational thoughts, they were sex thoughts, and they were just as strong, stronger maybe, than if you were really here.

when i get out of here--  if i get out of here--  will you marry me rodrigo?  i don't mean like, oh, man of mine, will you ever ask me.  i mean, like, i don't ever want you to get away.  i don't want to be without you.  i love you, rodrigo.  if i gotta save up and buy you a pretty little diamond, i will.

when i woke up from the dream--  at least, i think i woke up--  the feathered serpent was beside my bed.  well, an anthropomorphized version, anyway.

we need to talk about the end of the world, it said.  you might not be ready.

it plucked out one of it's feathers and pierced the tip of my tongue with it.  i could taste the blood in my mouth, i thought, shit this is really happening,  what the fuck??!!  then it ran it's feathers over me like it was performing some sort of ritual.  the jaguar things grabbed my head and braided feathers into my hair.  the feather rubbing seemed to have focused it's attention down south, maybe i'm not awake, i thought, maybe i have some sort of mania.  then the serpent bird turned out to have boy parts.  i want to point out that i was restrained, there was nothing i could do.  before i tell you how amazing it was.  it took my breathe away.  his cock thumped my cervix, every time.  i'm not sure i'll be able to walk--  if the restraint ever goes away--  it's the kind of sex that would probably give you cancer, over time.  it's not good to have repeated bruising of soft tissue, right?  but, i don't know, i can't really claim not to have enjoyed it, even though i want you, because it was fucking amazing.

there now, hatchling, i have downloaded the first lesson, it said.

i'm confused and i need you!

clementine